Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
