last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
