I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry my hands just texted you
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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