The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
