You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
