I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
