I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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