I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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