turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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