My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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