so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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