I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
