Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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