Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
