i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
