Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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