I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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