i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
