I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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