I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
