I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
