Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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