I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
