Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
