I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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