Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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