i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have aggressive nipples.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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