Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
