there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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