My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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