You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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