Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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