ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
