thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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