I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
