Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
