I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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