I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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