So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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