3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
