i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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