a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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