So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
