so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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