im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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