I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
