so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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