mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
