Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
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But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
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Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.