wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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