He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my shit smells like andre
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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