First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
