i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
