after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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