quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
