john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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