Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
