i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
