its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
